Dream conversation with Senator Mike Lee of Utah

Here’s how my “conversation” with Mike Lee went.


Brooke: Senator Lee, Thank you for speaking with me.

Mike Lee: I don’t know you. If I did, I wouldn’t like you.

B: If you did like me I would hate myself. So….I’m trying to make sense of what has happened to America since 2016 when Trump was elected president. Let’s begin there. You were an ‘anyone but Trump” Republican. What happened.

ML: Trump is a joke. We all knew that. But actually this place to which we’ve arrived here in America doesn’t begin at Trump. It’s much deeper than that.

B: Where shall we begin?

ML: America is God’s country. Everyone knew that going back to hell, going back to the 17th Century when god told white men in Europe to go to America, prepare it for His return. And oh, by while you’re there, suppress the natives, subdue the wilderness, which will make you rich, which is the only source of power.

B: So this begins with white men and power.

ML: What else is there?

B: Many steps between then and Trump. What happened in between?

ML: We did the best we could. Killed most of the Indians. Those we didn’t we put on reservations. Kept black people in their place–segregation, red-lining, you name it. Got rid of MLK and Malcomb X in the nick of time. And I thought we did a great job after WWII of getting women back in their homes where they belong, having babies and what not.

B: Then what happened.

ML: The gosh-darn sixties happened. That’s what. That war.

B: you mean the Viet Nam War?

ML: Well that, but the war on the Establishment.  Everyone not white male knew their place up until then. And then…and then they didn’t. Black people got all uppity. Women burned their bras. Mexicans flooded our borders. Don’t get me started.

B: I already have, obviously.

ML: And now Climate Change. We dodged a bullet in 2000….heck, Gore would have tanked the country. How can a country run on wind and sun? There’s nothing to drill or dig. But then came 9-ll…..saved our patooties….nothing like some towel-heads crashing  planes into buildings to bring America back together. Darn, but weren’t those the days—all that plus we got to have another war, and and and Muslim Americans got put back in their place.

B: I think I’m going to throw up, so, can you flash forward to Trump.

ML: Trump, what a guy. Yes early on I was not on his team, I’ll grant you that. But like all good Republicans, nothing matters other than how I was seen by my party—sure my voters count, but as long as I have the money and party support, I can manipulate those Morons—I mean Mormons—to keep me in power as long as I want—Heck did you see that a few weeks ago at our convention….after being exposed for lying my frigging butt off, I get a STANDING flipping ovation, treated like a king….Now that’s power, my friend. But you’re not my friend….. You might look back at the shift many of us made, the change of heart so to speak, and say, “heck, once Mike Lee saw that Trump was the nominee, he turned, wanting to be a good team player.” Well, yes. Sort of. But once we really saw who he was, we knew we needed him.

B: “Saw who he was…” Who was he? Who did you see? Why did you need him?

ML: It’s very simple. Listen very carefully as this stuff is hard for you libtards to grasp. Things were not going our way, to say the least. Oh my heck, we’d just lived through 8 years having a BLACK MAN AS PRESIDENT. Golly. How the flip were we supposed to deal with that? And then Hillary? For flip sake. A women president and we were done. Put a frigging fork in us. (Wipes sweat from his brow.)

B: So, who then was/is Trump and why did you need him?

ML: Well, it turns out that to get what we wanted which is all the power and wealth God meant for us when he turned us white, we needed someone absolutely void of moral character. Well that isn’t exactly true, because as you’re probably aware, we’re all absolutely void of moral character… heck, it’s not really my fault, as once I came into power, it was as if something invaded my body and suddenly, all I cared about was me and my power. It’s a beautiful feeling. But I can’t say that out loud. But Trump…..darn if he can’t say anything to anyone any time….”Grab em by the you-know-what”….sure for a second we blanched at what he said, but right away, we all said, almost in unison, “Can you believe that guy had the cojones to say THAT out loud?”

B: so you’re all like Trump, but he’s got more courage.

ML: Bigger cojones anyway. But there’s more.

B: More?

ML: Along the lines of he says whatever he wants—he, a bit more than the rest of us, cares about one thing: Himself. Period. That’s it. Not another person, place, or thing—not another noun–. He does not care less about others, he doesn’t care at all.

B: And why was that attractive to you, Republicans?

ML: It’s very simple. He tells anyone who might add to his power, exactly what they want to hear.

B: For example

ML: Tell the gun people they can have all the guns and none of the rules. Tell the Pro-Lifers they can save all the babies. Tell the carbon industry we’ll ignore climate change. Tell the weapons industry that there will be more wars. Shall I continue?….I mean, figure it out, man, if you want to win and election you tell the most rabid single issue people what they want to hear and they’ll frigging vote for you.  Right? All of them. Regardless of what you tell everyone else.  We loved it. Who’d a thunk?

B: Makes sense.

ML: Darn right it makes sense. Sure I have some guns, and sure I care about babies, but POWER is what I really care about.

B: so what happened?

ML: Well, and we knew this was coming, there are simply not enough crazy people to win an election these days. You just have to flipping cheat. No way around it. So we did our best to cheat. And well, you know where that got us. But we’re on it. We’ve got plans.

B: I’ve had enough. Thanks. It’s been nice to chat.

ML: It has not. It’s been horrible. Go away.